Dssfollower's Blog

I'm trying not to cry. I hate this school. Hate this fucking life. "There's no place in this fucking world for a fragile heart like mine."-Chris Pohl. So true. I'm too weak for this. I see no point. Sure I may be loved by what, three people?, which is a huge improvement...what's to say they won't stop tommorrow?Back to where I started. I feel like shit. And I should stop bitching. But I figure I'll do it here where no one'll see it as opposed to dumping it all on DJ. He has enough on his plate.
Yesterday I had a revelation that stemmed from a spiff with my mom and an idea I had briefly entertained. This world is so unfair. How could a god let his children, his followers, suffer so? My mom had a hell of a childhood, got married, kids came, now a helpless marriage with no support and a daughter that holds no liking for her. Not many close friends. I have to be here. But I can't. Don't want to stay in a place so unfair. Poverished children...what sin did they commit to deserve that hell of a life.
MJ doesn't want me. The one person I had hoped wanted me. Changed his fucking mind. He can do better. He knows that. He told me that. It's true. I hate this. I don't want this anymore. My grip feels like it is slipping in a time when it should be at its best. It'd be quick. Quicker than a lifetime of sorrow and misery. I want it so bad. Exodus.

-Jerra

Today I began to notice this uneasy balance which I have achieved in life. I feel like a tightrope walker. I look at the depths below me and see the people and things taunting me, wanting me to fail, summoning me to the darkness which is my destiny. I look ahead and see those who love me beckoning to come to the other side. They do help me in my journey. I cannot go back, for it is shrouded in an impenetrable mist. Trying to balance, to hold on is so hard, yet the reward seems so alluring. I want to go running madly forward like a child on a balance beam, “If I run fast enough, gravity won’t be able to catch up to me and I’ll make it across just in time.” But can I really outrun this gravity that pulls me farther down with every second I stand teetering in the air? I think not. But it is not only from that direction that I must be wary, behind me fog creeps ever nearer. I know if I don’t move soon its going to take me in it. Lost in the past, a good way to fall.

 

I see now how hard it really is for me to try to be happy. Especially when I don’t really even know what the meaning of that word is…

Think I'llsa be updatin more. Not because my viewers wanna see it but because I am in a writing mood. Yup. I was looking on Buzznet and I started to notice so many of the peeps here are emo. (Not that I have enathin against emo people, they're cool.) I wonder if they have a good friend? A good friend it seems can make the whole difference. A lover can help somewhat, I won't deny that, it just seems with them you have this need to impress and act like you're happy so they don't feel incompetent. Maybe thats the problem with teenage relationships; maybe thats why the don't last. Maybe it is corrupted by society's need to create an inpenetrable facade of happiness found in some idea of perfection that no one can honestly hold up. Its just harder being young, you still have hope that you can be yourself and find acceptance and love. As we get older we'll just have to face up to this. You have two choices-- accept this or give up....I know my decision. I'm just waiting for the right time that results in the most benefits for me. I'm selfish, I know.
Whoa, I can sure as hell rant. Lol. Enaways. Emo kids...completely lost my train of thought...oh yeah!! Friendships. Those kids need a friend. I was never really emo. Just a suicidal, masochistic, self- destructive, wanna be whore. But I got saved. Not by Jesus..not god...and for goodness sakes not satan or enathin like that. Der schwarze schmetterling. He knows me. He's felt everythin I've felt. He knows and he dictates it so well.

Just another addition to my piece of shit life...so I dated this guy Marshall, i adored him, god i still do...he was really, reallly good friends with this other chick emily while we were dating, went over to her house and shit... he dumped me three months ago--that's about when things started spiraling downhill again...now I just found out her and him are dating...god i just can't breath. I still love him so much. i want him to be mine again but i can't. i can't do this anymore. whats the point of this anyways? our lives are just the slow process of waiting in this hell, waiting for death. 

but there are some of us who are wiser, who cut it short and end the waiting, the suffering...i have a feeling my time is coming to a close. I've died too many times